Aries: The Magician

I mean really, what do you want me to say? You have all the tools, you’re lighting the way, you’re burning the candle at both ends though. Lucky thing you have that cup to catch the falling wax. I wouldn’t be so sure that cup’s always gonna be there. I know, I know, you’re always right. Just… sometimes right needs to be tempered with wise.

Taurus: Eight of Wands (Inverted)

Now, see usually the wands are supposed to represent arrows of love. But to be honest, at the moment you’re world’s a little upside down. It’s not that your heart’s not in the right place; I mean, the landscape is by no means barren, but everything’s a bit on an up slant right now. Slow down a little. You’ve got lots of options coming your way, and nothing but time.

Gemini: Queen of Swords

Oh Gemini, sitting on your chair of righteousness, slicing people with your sword of justice, ruling over the… empty sky. Seriously, you’ve got A bird, singular, and storm clouds brewing in the distance. I know you know it’s there, it’s in your peripheral vision. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting and address the things we all know are there.

Cancer: Page of Wands

I like to think of the Page of Wands as the “All dressed up and nowhere to go” card. Usually I harp on how he’s all gussied but he’s standing in a barren wasteland. But today, I realized that perhaps he’s only standing there dressed up b/c he’s prepared for the future. He’s noticed the little sprouts beginning to bud in the wilderness and her has hope. Way to be the optimist!

Leo: Eight of Cups (Inverted)

I want to tell you that I have amazing, insightful things to say about your card, but it’s not true. I can’t really justify this, but it’s kind of like a homecoming for you this week Leo. You have these treasures, and what you’re really missing? That grail you keep questing for? It’s you. You’re missing your own self worth. So go hang up your boots and enjoy yourself watching the full moon reflect on the water.

Virgo: Nine of Cups (Inverted)

I just have to fucking laugh at this Virgo. And so should you. Because it’s the truth, pure and simple. Content with yourself, you were sitting there being happy, and BAM your world turns upside-down. (hey it’s a theme for the earth elements!) Bet you wish you hadn’t bough that stupid hat now huh? You could probably use that money for something else! Okay, okay, so I’m being a tad melodramatic. In reality, How can you be sure you wanted what was in those cups? Think of this as a vessel cleaning, and a good lesson about taking things for granted.

Libra: The Hermit

You know, I’ve never pulled this card before, and I’m fascinated. But you’re not. In fact, you look a little sleepy. You have this seriously cool looking star that’s lighting your way, giving off light and making everything clear… and you’re taking a nap. In fact, you seem a little stuck there Libs. Wake up! It’s your turn! At some point this month, the daily horoscope in the AM New York is going to be specifically tailored to you!!! So wake up and smell the stardust, you’ve got bigger things coming to you than standing still and sleeping on the watch.

Scorpio: Justice

When I was thinking about this, my initial reaction was that this card doesn’t strike me as very Scorpio-esque. It’s all balances and straight lines. But the more I looked, I noticed how the flowing robes were kind of blending Justice right into his own background. So I’m going to go ahead and suggest some light yoga, a little moving around, and general stretches for the group. Come on Scorps! You’re not the solid kind of type. It’s time to get back in touch with your watery element. Flow a little more. You’ll feel much better.

I know I know, but my brain is fried. Here are your cards. I’ll amend them in the morning:

Sagittarius: Knight of Wands

Capricorn: Eight of Swords

Aquarius: The Hanged Man (Inverted)

Pisces: Ace of Pentacles.

Aries (Eight of Swords): Oh Aries what have you done? You’re walking away from the high ground into the swamp, with no real defenses and no way to see. And yet you’re not sad. Maybe you understand that this is just the way it is. Maybe that town wouldn’t have done you any good anyway. And this is just another step down the road.

Taurus (Ten of Cups): Well, to pretend I’m not a little biased about this card would be a lie, but at the same time, it’s not like you should be surprised. Everything’s coming up roses! There’s a beautiful rainbow, grass to frolic in, and the things that you’ve been storing the goodness in are coming full circle. So what if the stream was a little muddy up the way? It’s clearing now, and blue by the time it gets to you. So go enjoy the sunlight. You deserve it.

Gemini (The Fool): I mean really Gems, in a lot of ways I think ya’ll don’t need this explained to you. You’re all pretty and dressed up, and you’re about to walk off a fucking cliff. But what just occurred to me is that if you would take a second and LOOK at the pretty flower in your hand instead of just being a prat and knowing it’s there, you might notice the cliff. Head towards the flower. It knows what it’s talking about.

Cancer (Queen of Pentacles): Goats are notorious for eating whatever they feel like. Strong stomach or lack of self-control? You know what I’m talking about. Meanwhile, you’re so fixated on this one precious thing you have, there are some who might suggest it’s starting to take its toll. I mean, things aren’t exactly flourishing and laying themselves out at your feet. Yes there are still signs of life, but while you were busy with the shiny, what have you been neglecting?

Leo (Seven of Cups): Oh the choices! Treasure, accolades, youth, safety, mystery, snakes, demons! … Oh, might wanna stay away from those last two. Thing is, that’s totally where your hand is pointed at the moment. There’s so much good to be had, are you really going to pick the bum cups here? I mean, I’m sure you know what you’re doing; you DID make it all the way to the final rose ceremony. Just… take a second to see if you’re reaching out to push those bad things away, or if you’re really bringing them closer.

Virgo (Four of Cups): Like the Geminis, you too should really not be surprised by this card. Nor should it need too much divining. You’re being a stubborn bastard about three cups that MIGHT be worth it, if you would pick one, or stand up and walk to them, which you cant. Meanwhile a fucking present is being cosmically dropped in your lap. And you KNOW it’s gonna be good, because the universe even had the presence of mind to place it somewhere that won’t require you exerting too much effort to get to it. So get on that shit! Go on, MOVE!

Libra (Two of Swords): This card kinda reminds me of our traditionally blindfolded justice. But in reality, you have enough scales in your life already. So this card should appeal to you. Why, you ask? Well for one, it’s almost perfectly balanced. Symmetry appeals to your life of constant readjustments. Think of yourself like a ninja this week. You are still, but full of energy, well-armed and ready to go. Enjoy the suspense.

Scorpio (Six of Cups): Hey remember when we had those cups with the pretty flowers? Yeah, that was fun. Spring is coming, which mean more of the same pretty flowers. But the reality is that we can’t bask in the memories forever. So enjoy the beauty and the happiness these things brought you, and then pass them on to he next person. They have their own things to learn. No you’re not walking away from them completely, it’s just time to grow up a little. Even the flowers know that.

Sagittarius (Strength): So I think the question here is really, are you prying the lion’s mouth open, or pressing it closed? I mean, he seems pretty submissive at the moment, but I’m relatively sure that if you make him bite his own tongue, he’s not going to be too happy. I know, I know, he’s cute and swirly-maned. I’m just SAYING.

Capricorn (Two of Pentacles): You know, occasionally it bothers me that I don’t really know any Capricorns. It might have something to do with the fact that we’re a great astrological match, but beyond that, I mean really. Wtf? Maybe you don’t exist at all. But for not existing, you seem to be a little stuck between two interconnected things here. Actually, I’m giving a pretty standard read on this, and since I pulled an extra card, I think we’ll go a little deeper.

(Judgment) Okay, so really, what this oils down to is that it doesn’t matter which on you chose. The result is the same. It’s going to be a glorious waking of the dead… or maybe you don’t like the dead. They’re dead for a reason. Which is why you can’t decided what to do. Well I certainly can’t decide for you. And neither can anyone else really. Maybe that’s why no one knows you exist right now. How about if you just drop whatever it is that’s bemusing you and come back to the world. Maybe you’d get a party. Who knows? It’s worth a shot.

Aquarius (Four of Swords- Inverted): Thinking, breathing, sleeping, mediating. What are “Things You’re Not Doing Enough Of”? Stained glass distraction for a thousand… Well, there’s a lot of noise going on outside. Flashy lights, pretty songs, screaming sirens… or harpies. But it’s time to say enough is enough! Take a long holiday and lay flat on your back so you can get back on your feet. It’s time to take care of yourself Aquarius. The rest of the world will cope.

Pisces (Justice): This week, in an apparent identity crisis, Pisces has decided to try to be a Libra. And it’s kinda like you’re doing it right. You have the pretty sword, the scales are perfectly balanced, and you even found a spiffy crown and new robe. But let’s be honest, this really isn’t your nature and it shows. You like things to be a little more fluid, and not just in a scale weighting up and down. Shrug off the officious cloths and come back to the ocean. Sure it can be a little brutal, but it’s you’re home. You looked a little too stiff up there on the stone chair of justice anyway.

Anyhow, the cards are back from their vacay, and we’re off to the races to see what the odds for this weeks cosmic track meet are booking in at. Grab you ticket stubs and away we go!

Aries (The Empress)

Right now it’s all about you and the lady love. Wether that means getting it on or pampering yourself, it really can’t be anything but good. It is, after all, the Ariean time to shine. You’ve got your best blouse, and awesome crown, and an abundance of female energy surroundign you. And to top it all off, the seeds you’ve sown are beginning to come to fruition. All your base are belong to us! Which is to say, you’re ruling! Enjoy your moments in the lap of luxury!

Taurus (Ace of Wands)

Dear Taurus,

It is your universe given right to be the enforcer of whatever it is you’ve decided you want. Also, the sex will be great.

Love,

The Ace of Wands

So yes the cosmos gave you a big stick. Now if you were an Aries, I’d expect you to wallop someone with it, but I think your have better sense than that. Walking softly and all that. Also, it occurred to me, that wands are all about sex. So this could be the payoff for putting up with those clouds that have been hovering around for FAR too long. You’re about to have a seemingly perfect thing dropped into your lap. And you deserve it. It may seem to come out of nowhere, but although it’s not where or when you thought it was going to happen, the scene is ripe to take advantage of it.

Gemini (Page of Wands)

If I know you at all Gem, and I tend to think I do (at least a little), this card really came as no surprise to you. Maybe you even laughed. All dressed up and no place to go? JESUS! You didn’t need a freaking tarot card to tell you that. But for the first time, it occurred to me why you’re standing still. You’re actually entranced by the few things growing in the barren wasteland. Well, I’m here to tell yo that officially it’s not worth it. get off your ass and MOVE! There’s nothing to see here folks, keep moving. You can take the staff. The few ties you have to this place have nothing to do with the place themselves. You could be doing it better.

Cancer (King of Wands, Inverted)

Right, so on the one hand, this is really good. You’re all over the sexual map in the best possible way, because you’re the king. And it’s good to be the king. You have the strength and the regenerative qualites will allow you to make the most of your situation… at least you would if this were right side up. As it is though, it’s more like you WISH you had those things. There is the potential to parlay whatever is happening in your life now into something stable and fruitful. You’re just not there yet. Things are a little helter-skelter. Fire’s burning a little too hot, and it coudl singe the edges of an otherwise good and vaulable thing. Maybe it’s time to bring things back in line. Respect mah authoritah!

Leo (The Hierophant)

What can I say? Clearly you’ve done something right! You are in control, and people are bowing to your infinite wisdom. Or at least getting out of your way. Your agenda is THE agenda, so take advantage of it. Just… don’t get too carried away in the pomp and circustance. Posing for publicity pictures is fun, but more importantly, you have the keys to the city at your feet. And you’re gonna need them. So you might wanna take a minute to look around and take stock of your resources. Don’t worry. Your public’s not going anywhere.

Virgo (Five of Swords)

Oh you think you’re SO clever, gathering all those swords. Good job. People threw down their arms and walked away. But now maybe I think that smile’s not so much that as that you’re happy with the way things are going. You’ve gt some distance on a situation that was driving you nuts, and now you’re okay with it. So you’ve lost a few people along the way… it happens. But the clouds rolling in might bring rain and change, and quite honestly, you’re more than a little excited for that. You’ll fight if you have to, but really, you’re just ready for a change of pace.

Libra (The Devil)

Dear God Libs! What did you DO!?!?!? Whatever it is you’re all obsessing over, you seriously need to let it go. It’s clouding up your aura and holding your potential prisoner. So much good could be comign your way. you have the opportunity to grow things to fruition. But you’re going to have to cut some ties first. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the things you feel are holding you down.

Scorpio (Nine of Cups, Inverted)

Wow… this inversion might actually work in your favor. See, you’ve clearly gt a lot of nice things store up, but the inversion means you’re not quite as smug and self satisfied as the jerk on this card. I’d keep it that way. There’s this danger of being THAT girl/guy that who gets all crazy and OCD about their shit becaus they think they finally got it organized. I mean, don’t NOT do some spring cleaning… just you know, continue to be a decent excuse for a human being in the meantime.

Saggitarius (Judgement)

Blow, Gabriel, blow! Aaaaaaand preach it! Glory halleluiah, things are going your way. The cosmos have passed their decree, and it seems you have the universal go-ahead for your latest project. Past present and future generations are there to bask in your success and offer their support. Not that all of it will be easy mind you. Those snowy mountains in the distance are a formidable challenge. But you can take them. Especially with the kind of supprt you’re getting right now.

Capricorn (Five of Cups)

Oh man, I feel for you Caps, I really do. I know you had a lot invested in that, and it TOTALLY just bombed. So I’ma let you take a minute to mourn the loss. And you should. But when that moment is over, remember that you haven’t lost it all. And that if you DO need more of a break, you can always take your cups and go home. I know that river seems too wide to cross, but there’s a bridge just up the way, and really, a respite might not be such a bad thing right now.

Aquarius (Knight of Pentacles)

 “There is work to be done, to be done. Theres a war to be won, to be won. Come you son of a son of a gun! Take your stand!” And do the job you were given. You have something really important right now. Its been entrusted to you. And, although you wouldn’t know it from the way you’re sitting there staring at it, it actually benefits people other than you. So stop staring dumbly at the shiney and put those spurs to good use. you’re not going to lose it. You just need to get a move on. There’s a lot to be done, and no one’s going to do it for you. GO!

Pisces (Three of Pentacles)

I mean, really? What can I say? Good job Pisce! Way to follow through. You made a plan and you executed it flawlessly. Note the cup in your right hand. That means you achieved something. And on top of it all, other people noticed. And were impressed. Even that realy nitpicky person that you sometimes want to punch in the face b/c they are making an ass out of themselves. But the moral of the story is, you’ve created something vaulable, masterful, and lasting. So sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labour. Ya did good! Just… don’t fall off that bench admiring your own handywork.

My sincerest apologies to those Scorpio among you. I completely skipped over you last week! And, worse yet, didn’t notice until this week. My friend informs me this means you will be eating my heart now, and Ii admit you have a right to. Personally though, since you narrowly missed a Nine of Swords, I think maybe you should just sit back and enjoy the cosmic doom of all those poor suckers who had to deal with your cards. Sweet!

Aries: Queen of Pentacles

You are very proud of who you know yourself to be, Aries, and it shows. It’s the rock on which you sit and base your life. But lately, something you treasure has gone from useful to obsession. If you were to look up from that shiny orb, you might notice that nothing around you is growing anymore. Don’t neglect the things around you that bring you sustenance and show you beauty for the sake of a single thing. Not only are you missing out, but you’re KILLING it smalls!

You know, it seems like almost every week, someone gets this card. I swear I’m choosing at random, but still. In your own very bull-headed way, you’ve been working away, honing your craft and gathering skills and items of worth. Good job! And here’s the even better news… you’re almost done. Soon you can shed that apron and head into town for a pint with the boys. So finish strong and then enjoy yourself. You’ve earned it!

Cancer: Five of Cups

Now is a time of change, and to be honest with you, it might not have come in the way you had hoped. Things that you put a lot of time and energy into haven’t quite panned out the way you expected, and you’re kind of thrown by that. The thing is, although things look bleak, you haven’t actually lost it all. But you’re so focused on the change and the flow of the things in front of you, that you’ve not stopped to look around and take stock. If you do, you might just find that you could always pick up he pieces and head towards that town, where comfort and rest await.

Leo: The Hierophant (Inverted)

I dunno Leo, maybe you should ACTUALLY give something up for Lent. Clearly, there’s not enough Pope in your life and you need to get back to those volatile, emotionally scarring days of your youth, otherwise known as Catholic school. But seriously, this interesting thing here is that the thing about this card that really pops when inverted is its arcs and its symmetry. For all that things are a little upside down in your world right now, you’re doing a good job of keeping it all balanced.

Virgo: The Emperor

Oh old man Virgo, set in your ways, enjoying you solitude. That steely exterior of cool can’t protect you forever. But you are king, so you’re doing something right. I’m not so sure this austerity and lack of pomp and circumstance is such a bad thing for you right now. Just don’t make it a life habit. That river looks to dry up somewhere in the future, and I wouldn’t want you to find yourself suddenly alone and stranded.

Libra: Four of Swords (Inverted)

I used to think this was a bad card, kind of about death, but really, I think it’s more about meditation. It seems you could do with a little time away from the hustle and bustle to focus on you, and you’re definitely not taking it. It’s not that you need to shut yourself away from the world; that would be overkill. Still. With all the noise and glamour in your life this week, don’t forget to take a moment and breathe. It may help you to lay old wounds and new alike to rest.

Scorpio: Eight of Swords

Okay so that thing I said at the beginning about how some other poor sucker must have gotten a card meant for you? Well apparently you can’t outrun your fate. The swords that were hovering last week seem to be all around you now, and you’re staggering through them blindly. To your credit, you haven’t hurt yourself yet, but there’s a definite feeling of peril as you get farther and farther from the things you used to know and the walls that kept you safe. It’s just a thought, but I’d work on that blindfold if I were you.

Sagittarius: King of Pentacles

So in a lot of ways, what’s happening to you is what’s happening to Aries. The difference is, you clearly picked a better focus, because things in your area are flourishing. That being said, not all growth is good growth. Everyone needs to prune back the branches occasionally to make sure the plants can flourish. Don’t get so cock-sure in your abilities that you become your own downfall. Maybe looking away from the shiny, reflect-y surface would help…?

Capricorn: Five of Wands

You’re really doing a lot right now Caps. I’m gonna hazzard a guess and go for this inversion being more about excess than a lack of activity. In fact, I’d go ahead and say things are more than a little chaotic in your world right now. Whatever it was you were working on building is currently in squalor. Maybe it’s time to lay down arms and admit that it might not have been such a good idea.

Aquarius: King of Swords (Inverted)

So last week I was all about this card and how it’s kind of about having a strong backing and a solid plan that not only goes along with your better nature but allows you to have a divining nature and wisdom in your surroundings while remaining open to the flow of things around you. Well that is NOT happening for you right now Aqu. It might not be such a bad idea to re-examine where you stand and what it is you think you know. You’d be much better off if you could manage to flip this card right side up.

Pisces: Four of Pentacles

Now see you, unlike some of your cosmic counterparts, have opted not only to have a few things you prize, but to make it painfully obvious what those are. In some ways, you’re even worse off than Aries. You’ve actually managed to alienate an entire town and group of sentient life. Look. Nothing is growing around you. There is nothing but gray, cold, hard rock. And yet all you can see is that you must hold on tighter and tights. There’s a saying somewhere about holding onto things too tightly, and how those are the things you lose. But then again, since you’ve already lost everything else, maybe you’re just holding on for dear life.

Aries: King of Swords

In some ways I think this card is a little redundant. The King of Swords sits with his back against a pilar. The important thing here is that the pillars don’t encase him, they just support him. And as we all know you thrive on the impenatable fortress of “never wrong,” sticking to what you know seems to be serving you well. You do look a little distracted by your sword there. Are you contemplating how to use your powers (for good or for awesome? Don’t worry, they both benefit you) or are you just scoping out your pretty face?

Taurus: Ten of Wands

You’re holding it all together Taur, but I gotta say, it doesn’t exactly look like you’re having fun. In fact, it’s more of a “I’m taking my sticks and going home” tantrum. AND it’s blinding you to the beauty of the rest of life. I mean, whatever works for you; it’s not like anything’s coming to trip you up, it’s just that you could be having more fun.

Gemini: Page of Cups

The Page of Cups is a silly fellow, he’s all about youth, indiscretion, and fluidity. So ease up a little. You’ve been taking things far too seriously. And the thing is, it’s not like being a little goofy and immature would be a bad thing. In fact, it looks like you could grow and benefit from it. So go ahead. Buy a fantastic hat, go out on the town, and drink a pint for me.

Cancer: Strength Inverted

You know how things have been a little crazy recently? Well it’s about time you got back to your roots! Remember when you were all up in the mightiness of the major arcana?I feel like it might not be such a bad time to head back in that direction. Looks like you could finally get control of something that has been plaguing you for a while if you’ll just commit. And, even better, you might be able to use the things you learn while in the lions den later in life. In any case, way to keep your cool.

Leo: Temperance (Inverted)

Blah blah blah disclaimer about inverted cards. But really, why bother? It’s not like you’ve been listening. You could used some self-control in a BIG way! I know it’s gonna seem like you’re just treading water, but honestly, that might not be such a bad thing. Don’t be that girl who goes ape-shit, because you’re supposed to be the king! And no one respects that crazed look in your eyes. It’s not fear. It’s pity. You should really know better. So step it up and get your shit together yo!

Virgo: Page of Wands

Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? I’m pretty sure you were laughing at whoever got this card like, 3 weeks ago, thinking it could never happen to you. Jerk. What happened to your resolve to take a little “me” time? I know you like lavishing it on others, but it’s just not going to happen. You’re in a freaking desert! Get over yourself and start walking. You’ll get much more accomplished.

Libra: Six of Cups

So things that you’ve invested time and energy in are coming to fruition. And unlike some other cup cards, there are no bad things in the cups. Only life and beauty. Which is a welcome change after being the cosmic bitch for a while. But then again, as my friend pointed out, this is also a kind of nostalgic card. So don’t get all comfortable and rest on your laurels. Not everyone will be impressed by the abundance; and really, it’s just a stop along the road anyway.

Sagittarius: Nine of Swords

Man Sag! This is just NOT your week! Bad dreams maybe? A little frightened of what dreams may come? I don’t blame you. Hell in that movie is no place I’D like to be! Anyway. It may not be a fully formed thought yet, since you still can’t see the tip of the swords surrounding you, but you do know what direction their pointing, so maybe if you’d uncover your eyes you could avoid whatever’s threatening to plague you. Then again, you could also go back to bed and the whole thing might just pass you by. I promise not to tell if you just hide under the covers this round. Just don’t think it’s a permanent solution.

Capricorn: Two of Pentacles

I mean, really what it comes down to for you is that you’re making things slightly harder than they need to be. There’s no point in trying to impress us while you weight your options. No one really cares that you can stand on one foot while you juggle. Also, we can all see that your options are interconnected… and kind of similar. Maybe the one you’re leaning towards now seems like the better of the two, but just so you know, they both offer interesting prospects. So stop the circus act and decide already. Really, you can’t go wrong either way.

Aquarius: Wheel of Fortune (Inverted)

Generally I’d flip this and read it like everything else, but there’s something interesting about this card upside down. See, when it’s inverted, suddenly the devil and the snake are on top, and the signs that are supposed to be taking care of youand paying attention are actually more absorbed in other things. But as I’ve said before, the nice, and the terrible, thing about wheels is that they keep turning. So buck up Aquarius! I know it looks rough now, but it’s nice to know that the world will right itself eventually.

Pisces: Ten of Swords (Augmented with the King of Pentacles)

So, I have felt a little bad for you recently Pisces, and honestly, I’m not in the mood to A) be the bearer of bad news, and B) try to re-interpret the Ten of Swords again, because honestly, it’s come up like, 3 weeks running. So instead, I looked for a little clarification about why all this has been happening to you, and here’s what I got:

Based on the Ten of Swords, you clearly effed up. You weren’t paying attention to something, and you got stabbed in the back. Something that you should have been guarding closely went awry and backfired. Why, you ask? This is where the King of Pentacles comes in. See, he’s hanging out in his throne, with his pentacle, looking at it and generally being pleased with himself. Thing is, he’s been doing it for so long, he’s actually starting to grow into his surrounding. The flora and fauna are overtaking him, until eventually he’ll be trapped, unable to move. And that’s exactly what happened to you. Your tunnel vision and complete and honest conviction that you had it all in hand trumped you, and you’ve ended up where you are now. The best you can really hope to do is learn from it and move on. Good luck with that.

But really, the things is, i just don’t care that much about the holiday. it’s never been memorable in a good way, so why bother. I debated doing “Do you find True Love this year” yeadings, but i started, and there were only two yeses, so I stopped. There’s no need to depress anyone further. So go ahead. I won’t tell you which two were yeses, and everyone will be happy.

All that being said, I’m just generally going to treat this like any other week. We all have friends or significant others who should make tomorrow heaven or hell. You don’t need my help too.

Aries: Ten of Wands

You’re trying to hold it all together, but your head’s a little buried in all the squalor around you. See, but that’s the thing. There’s not actually squalor. For the most part, it’s just life. Maybe it’s time for some adjustments. You may be going in the right direction, but there’s a much easier way of coping while you get there.

Taurus: Eight of Cups

This is going to be a time of change for you. And you’re going to have to let go of the past and a lot of things you’ve been holding on to. Them man in the moon feels your pain, that constant waxing and waning every time you think you’ve got it all together. But the fact remains… those things you have all neatly stacked up are empty. Maybe it’s time to walk away before the changing tide soaks through and makes your boots wet. No one likes wet socks on a journey.

Gemini: Page of Swords

I’m a little surprised at you Gem. This is the kind of card I really expect of a Libra, not you. But then, maybe you’re just a little swept up in the potential romance of it all. Just remember that sword has two edges, and one of them is pointing at you. On the upside, that cliff you’re so afraid of is more like a little step. Just remember, if you’re not paying attention, falling down the stairs can be just as painful.

Cancer: Ten of Swords

I try and I try, but sometimes, the cards just are what they are. So swords are a very intellectual card. Maybe, as much as you go back and forth between things, you’re really over thinking this one. And it’s kiiiiiiilling you. Why not walk towards that horizon instead of just looking at it? Looks like the future’s clearing up, so you might as well give it your all. Can’t be any worse than lying here killing your soul.

Leo: Eight of Pentacles

All diligence and no play makes Leo rich… if a little lonely. So it’s possible the townsfolk will come flocking to you when they see what a wonderful job you’ve done, but to be honest, it’s kind of a hike. Maybe it’s time to put down that mallet, stop hammering away at the same old thing, and go find something more worthwhile to do with your time. If you’ve done this job right, nothing’s going to fall apart while you’re gone.

Virgo: Judgment

You should like this card Virg. You’re all about the judgment of others. And it looks like people are suddenly going to notice you and lift you up and herald your achievements. Then again, they might just be imploring you to stop bowing your own horn. We all know you think you’re blessed with some divine talents, but for the love of Pete, let the dead sleep. It’s not Shaun of the Dead out here.

Libra: Nine of Cups

So maybe I’ve been a little hard on Libra lately. But really, you could care less, because when it comes down to it, you seem to have all your ducks… er, cups, in a row, and you know it. Try not to be too pleased with yourself. The difference between well placed pride in a job well done, and arrogant preening can be thinner than you think. And since you still need that stool to reach everything, I’d be careful. Stools were made to fall off, and you wouldn’t want to negate all your good work by knocking over the trophies.

Scorpio: The Hierophant

Flanked to your back by the pillars of all you know, and to the front by willing servants, with the keys to all mysteries before you, you sit ready to pass out your decrees. You’ve got the power, Scorp, good job. Really, the only think I can say is that for all your achievements, it doesn’t look like you have much wiggle room. So I’d work on applying all the wisdom everyone thinks you have to those decrees you’re about to make. If you play your cards right, you should have nothing to worry about.

Sagittarius: Three of Swords

Death, death and destruction. Well, at least some hard times in the works. If we have learned anything from the eighties, it is that love is a battlefield (well, that and maybe that polka dotted day-glo should have stayed in Japan where we banished it to), but the fact remains, that you might have lost this battle. I know it hurts, and I wish I could tell you there was some hope, but it’s a little gray from here. At least you’re not bleeding. Maybe you’re a superhero… or a little dead on the inside.

Capricorn: The Fool

So, the fool has it all going for their way. The sun is shining, the flowers are pretty, the air is bracing, the animal is cute… aaaand there’s a cliff you never saw coming. Maybe because everything was going so well. I don’t mean to be a negative Nancy, I’m just saying, you know CLIFF!!! Thing is, there is a distinct possibility that you could avoid the tumble al together. See that cute little dog? Well his animal instinct is making him bark like crazy. So instead of doing something silly like plugging your ears and singing, maybe you should listen to him. Because it might just help you steer clear of an otherwise nasty fall.

Aquarius: Seven of Cups

See how you are, Aquarius? Even with my ragging on you last week, you’re still coming up roses. Well okay, it’s more like strange and wonderful mysteries and opportunities arising, but my point is, you’re pulling through despite my bitter nature. (Pisces, you would do well to take note!) Anyhow, the future’s looking bright. Just remember that nothing’s all fun and games… or it is until someone loses and eye. So choose carefully.

Pisces: The Hermit

Allllll byyyy myyyyy see-e-e-e-elf! Don’twannabe… alllll byyyyy myyyy seeellllllf… anymore… Which is rough for you, because you might be for a while. The thing is, you really could look up some, and you might find things aren’t so bad. Sure you’re in all gray, with a not so cool looking staff, but you do have that kick-ass looking star in your lantern. Now if only you’d stop moping, you could catch that falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day, and then get high off the stardust. (Well what the hell else would you do with it? Fly?)

Taurus (Eight of Swords)

Now, you see, it’s cards like this that make me grudgingly admire you. There you stand, surrounded by pointy objects, tied up, as the tide come in, far away from eveyone, and you’re smiling. Perhaps you are blissfully unaware of the peril? Maybe you like the mud sloshng between your toes. Whatever the case may be, you seem to be making the best of a situation anyone else would have issues with. Then again, you’re also in the dark about how to make things better.

Scorpio (The Lovers)

At first glance, it would appear you’ve been given a new lease on life. The cosmos are smiling at you, there’s sun and generalized glory to bask in, and you’re soaking it up. The thing about staring at the sun though? Do it too long and you might go blind. Which, really, could be awkward, considering there’s temptation to your left, flames to your left, and the surface below you is starting to crack. Time to grab your sunglasses and make an exit from the party!

Capricorn (Seven of Swords)

Sweet! You’ve got some serious power on your side. And it’s sneaky power too, so later in life you might be able to whip out that secret you konw about someone and blackmail the hell out of them. Or you know, nicely point it out while publicly castrating them. Whichever you prefer. Just remember not to put all your swords in one basket, so to speak. Not only are they difficult to carry, but they tend to be double edged, and that shit can huuuuurt you!

Sagittarius (Knight of Swords)

Woah, who pissed you off? Now swords are supposed to be symbols of intellect, but before you go charging into a righteous blunder, you might do well to pull back and double check the facts. Notice how your horse is looking up at you like you’re a little crazy? I know the wrath seems like a good idea, but you’ll be a lot better off if you heed that animal instinct that’s hemmign and hawing just slightly at the otherwise pleasing notion of a tyranical rant. Who knows? It might save you from those approaching vultures.

Libra (The Tower)

I’d like to think you kinda know where this one is going , but you’re a little flighty when it comes to others. And who could blame you really? You’re far too busy trying to balance your own stuff. But this card kinda goes a couple ways. I’ll keep this short, and not too heavy. I wouldn’t want to throw off your equilibrium. One: Don’t Bobst yourself (for you non-NYUers, that throw yourself off a tower). Just because you made good plans, doesn’t mean you can fly. Don’t believe me? Go look up RedBull’s man powered flying machine contest and get back to me. Two: Things might get shaken up, but it’s not always a bad thing. You were too comfortable as it was. Three: Perhaps some you time is in order (I know, I know), but work with me. Throw your Microsoft Outlook out the window and make some tea. The tower will burn wether you’re planning it or not.

Virgo (Six of Cups)

Pretty much, you’re a garden gnome. Right down to your silly red hat. But that’s okay, because more important than your outfit (although I see that you color coordinated the tights, and yes, I’m impressed) is the fact that things in which you invested are starting to come to fruition. So be generous with those around you, as they have been generous with you. You have plenty to go around, and you never know when you may need that kindness returned.

Cancer (Ten of Swords)

*ssssss (inhales through teeth)* Dudeman, you blew it. All that stuff you thought you were holding together so well, being king of the hill? Well, you were so busy playing with your royal perogative, the people who have actually been holding it together and serving you got sick of it and left. Left you wide open for a failure you walked right into. And all because you ignored the warning signs. On the bright side, death leads to rebirth, so you might have a chance. You’ve got some bridges to mend first though.

Pisces (Eight of Pentacles)

I’m gonna go ahead and give you some props Pisc, cuz you’ve been working hard. Although it’s true you might have been a little stuck, and you are ignoring the world for the sake of one thing, yuo’re doing that one thing well. Now all you need is someone to notice your craftsmanship, and you might just make it after all (cue Mary Tyler Moore music)

Leo (Page of Wands)

Leeeeeeeooooooooooo (in the style of a football player heckling someone across the quad in seventh grade… not that I’d know. Ahem) So wands are kind of sexual cards… (giant phallus? Check) And it looks like you’re in the mood for some action. You seem to be on a good level with yourself, and you’re definitely dressed for the occasion. The problem is, you’ve picked the worst possibly place to go a-courtin’ cuz there’s no one around. This week, look for a village to ease the drought of love in your life.

Aries (Ace of Wands)

I really feel this card typifies Aries to a tee. Think about it. A God-given right to be right, and beat the shit out of anyone who disagrees. Then again, in all fairness, the world around you seems to be flourishing, so there IS that. Maybe it’s true. Maybe you ARE master of the universe. Or, possibly you just haven’t decided to demolish their inferior way of life yet. How very noble of you. I’d clap, but you tend not to appreciate sarcasm, and let’s be honest… that’s a huge stick you got there. I like my skull the way it is.

Gemini (Queen of Wands)

Oh good. Female Energy. Just what you need more of. (You may read in sarcasm if you wish). Well, pretty much, this week your life is going to be like a Lita Ford song. You went to a party last Saturday night. You didn’t get laid, you got ina fight, uh huh. It ain’t no big thing. And it isn’t. Girl power! But you might want to work on the sex versus fighting thing. sure they’re both fun, but couldn’t you have your cake and eat it too?

Aquarius (Ace of Cups)

So, I have to be honest, I pulled more than 12 cards, and I almost wanted to skip the Ace of Cups and give you the Five of Pentacles, which is ugly lame beggars hobbling alongin front of a beautiful church. Don’t take it personally. It’s late, and honestly, you can be a little soggy at times. A wet blanket, if you will. Maybe it’s that your high point is most recognized as a song from Hair. I bet you’re really sick of that song too. Anyway, rain’s a’comin’, which is fine with you. You’re a fan, and it’s like manna from the heavens. Somethings going to come and wipe your slate clean. Maybe you’re due for a cosmic bath?

Aries (King of Cups)

Things are being set in motion for you this week. You have a few preparations, and you’re even looking in the general direction of the coming ship. I’d like to tell you that all this water means you’ll be more flexible, but lets be honest, that’s crap. When you’re king, you’re automatically right. No offense though, you might wanna watch that sea serpent on your left.

Taurus (Knight of Pentacles)

You know, I’ve always thought this guy was just hanging around and waiting, but in reality, he’s actually pointed at that grove in the distance. And based on that dorky looking plumage, might I suggest that this is a coming full cicrle? You have fought hard and won something of importance to you. And now you get a break. Enjoy it.

Gemini (Two of Swords)

WHAT are you DOOOOing? The tide is coming… or going… I’m not sure. I was never too good with the moon/ocean thing. The point is, change is inevitable, and it’s going to come whether you see it or not. In the mean time, you have the potential for greatness, but that, my dear friend, is a double edged sword. And I wouldn’t be wielding that power blindly if I were you. You could poke out and eye… or a vein.

Cancer (Four of Swords)

So this one time (like maybe the last two weeks) you had some great shit going your way. The cosmos aligned and you had an awesome time. But all that is no more than a still frame now. It may look colorful and exciting, but it’s actually kind of stale and dormant. You’re dead on the inside. Well, okay, not dead, but seriously? This week, take some time to deal with the inner you. Meditate, be introspective, and figure out how to use your powers for awesome.

Leo (Knight of Wands)

Charging into the great abyss, the great Leo takes no prisoners!!! Which sounds really good on paper. There is this one thig though, where you don’t have a sword… you have a stick. And the glorious battle… actually a desert. I hate to disappoint you (although we both know you’re going to ride out there and fight those dust devils with your stick regardless of what I say), so I’ll leave you instead with a Buddhist thought on mindfulness… wait, what?

Virgo (Temperance Inverted)

So generally I don’t read the cards upside down, but this seems like one that really should be left as pulled. Upside down cards mean you’re not doing it enough, or it’s something you just generally lack. That being said, you and I both know I don’t need to delve very deep into this card. You lack temperance. You’re not conserving energy. This should be a calm, natural state, and you’re running around like a headless chicken without a day planner. Hot mess!

Libra (Page of Cups)

Well, at least you put your sword down. Fish are much less dangerous (with a few exceptions.) The Page of Cups is kind of about youth and immaturity. Not necessarily a bad thing. We all need to be a little ridiculous at times. And you’re not taking yourself so seriously now, which can only make the people around like you a little more. Use this new found, rhythm and flow to soothe a few people who’s fingers you might have lopped off while you were being a spacenoodle last week.

Scorpio (Ten of Cups)

Pretty much, you’re gay. We all know it, and the cards gave you a big plentiful rainbow and a party to come out to. Reall this could segueway into a whole Ellen Degeneres footnote, but you could also just go rent the DVD and save us both some time.
Seriously though, everything could fall into place for you this week with a major revelation of some kind. In a good way. Taste the rainbow. Revel in the beauty of it all. Even if rainbows aren’t that tangible.

Sagittarius (The Magician)

Wow, I mean, you pretty much have it all at the moment. A good balance, all the elements, everything in full bloom. Not much to say about that, other that be careful not to blow it. You ARE burning the candle at both ends.

Capricorn (Nine of Wands)

You’ve put on your armor and you’re ready for the battle. In all actuality, it’s more like your defenses are up and you’re looking a pick a fight. And you don’t trust anyone. Maybe not even all your defenses. Looks like one of them might have given you quite a thumping when you weren’t paying attention. But they seem pretty stable now. Still, you don’t REALLY need to go instigating stuff. You should probably just let go of that grudge and go nurse your wounds. Cuz things might get better, but chances are, you’re only going to make them worse if you do anything it all.

Aquarius (Four of Wands Inverted)

Well, first off, see my note to Virgo about reading upside down. Then take a deep breath, cuz the party is over my friend. Someone somewhere got a toga party with lots of wine and garlands, and you missed it. Maybe this week you should be a little more aware of your surroundings. There’s some awesome stuff going on.

Picses (The Devil)

I swear to God I shuffled the deck. Like a lot. But clearly you’re just cosmically stuck, so I can’t do a damn thing for you man. Of course, there is this one thing, but go with me here. I hate Nicholas Cage. *ugh, shudder* and he has this movie coming out called Ghost Rider. Or maybe it’s already out. Anyway. The point is, he sells his soul to the devil to save the life of someone he loves, and is this terrible demon at night because of it. But someone tells him that he, not the Devil, actually has the power, because he sold his soul for non-selfish reasons. Or at least I surmise this from the trailer, which eroded my own soul at a much faster clip than the episode of Flava of Love I was watching. But you can’t judge me; you’re the one who sold your soul. Jerk.