I’ll clean this up in a minute

Well kids, as my beautiful colleague teenageangst pointed out, since we’re both currently unemployed, we have absolutely no reason not to be filling your goody baskets with wickedly pre-Halloween sweets from the cosmic candy store. Just be careful of those cherry cordial ones… there’s a reason they’re the last ones in the box!

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Aries: The Magician

I mean really, what do you want me to say? You have all the tools, you’re lighting the way, you’re burning the candle at both ends though. Lucky thing you have that cup to catch the falling wax. I wouldn’t be so sure that cup’s always gonna be there. I know, I know, you’re always right. Just… sometimes right needs to be tempered with wise.

Taurus: Eight of Wands (Inverted)

Now, see usually the wands are supposed to represent arrows of love. But to be honest, at the moment you’re world’s a little upside down. It’s not that your heart’s not in the right place; I mean, the landscape is by no means barren, but everything’s a bit on an up slant right now. Slow down a little. You’ve got lots of options coming your way, and nothing but time.

Gemini: Queen of Swords

Oh Gemini, sitting on your chair of righteousness, slicing people with your sword of justice, ruling over the… empty sky. Seriously, you’ve got A bird, singular, and storm clouds brewing in the distance. I know you know it’s there, it’s in your peripheral vision. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting and address the things we all know are there.

Cancer: Page of Wands

I like to think of the Page of Wands as the “All dressed up and nowhere to go” card. Usually I harp on how he’s all gussied but he’s standing in a barren wasteland. But today, I realized that perhaps he’s only standing there dressed up b/c he’s prepared for the future. He’s noticed the little sprouts beginning to bud in the wilderness and her has hope. Way to be the optimist!

Leo: Eight of Cups (Inverted)

I want to tell you that I have amazing, insightful things to say about your card, but it’s not true. I can’t really justify this, but it’s kind of like a homecoming for you this week Leo. You have these treasures, and what you’re really missing? That grail you keep questing for? It’s you. You’re missing your own self worth. So go hang up your boots and enjoy yourself watching the full moon reflect on the water.

Virgo: Nine of Cups (Inverted)

I just have to fucking laugh at this Virgo. And so should you. Because it’s the truth, pure and simple. Content with yourself, you were sitting there being happy, and BAM your world turns upside-down. (hey it’s a theme for the earth elements!) Bet you wish you hadn’t bough that stupid hat now huh? You could probably use that money for something else! Okay, okay, so I’m being a tad melodramatic. In reality, How can you be sure you wanted what was in those cups? Think of this as a vessel cleaning, and a good lesson about taking things for granted.

Libra: The Hermit

You know, I’ve never pulled this card before, and I’m fascinated. But you’re not. In fact, you look a little sleepy. You have this seriously cool looking star that’s lighting your way, giving off light and making everything clear… and you’re taking a nap. In fact, you seem a little stuck there Libs. Wake up! It’s your turn! At some point this month, the daily horoscope in the AM New York is going to be specifically tailored to you!!! So wake up and smell the stardust, you’ve got bigger things coming to you than standing still and sleeping on the watch.

Scorpio: Justice

When I was thinking about this, my initial reaction was that this card doesn’t strike me as very Scorpio-esque. It’s all balances and straight lines. But the more I looked, I noticed how the flowing robes were kind of blending Justice right into his own background. So I’m going to go ahead and suggest some light yoga, a little moving around, and general stretches for the group. Come on Scorps! You’re not the solid kind of type. It’s time to get back in touch with your watery element. Flow a little more. You’ll feel much better.

I know I know, but my brain is fried. Here are your cards. I’ll amend them in the morning:

Sagittarius: Knight of Wands

Capricorn: Eight of Swords

Aquarius: The Hanged Man (Inverted)

Pisces: Ace of Pentacles.

Okay, Okay…

After a careful, funky-new-Facebook perusing, coupled with a throat clearing and a cosmic poke, it has come to my attention that I do, in fact, know a few Capricorns. They are not invisible. They do exist. I was wrong. Drink your damn hot chocolate.

Something or Something Else…

You know, I usually throw in the dates these are good for, but it’s not like I’ve been really consistant, so I’m not gonna do it this time. Happy Friday the 13th. It’s rockin, I know it. And Save Ferris is stuck in my head. Enjoy.

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Aries (Eight of Swords): Oh Aries what have you done? You’re walking away from the high ground into the swamp, with no real defenses and no way to see. And yet you’re not sad. Maybe you understand that this is just the way it is. Maybe that town wouldn’t have done you any good anyway. And this is just another step down the road.

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Taurus (Ten of Cups): Well, to pretend I’m not a little biased about this card would be a lie, but at the same time, it’s not like you should be surprised. Everything’s coming up roses! There’s a beautiful rainbow, grass to frolic in, and the things that you’ve been storing the goodness in are coming full circle. So what if the stream was a little muddy up the way? It’s clearing now, and blue by the time it gets to you. So go enjoy the sunlight. You deserve it.

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Gemini (The Fool): I mean really Gems, in a lot of ways I think ya’ll don’t need this explained to you. You’re all pretty and dressed up, and you’re about to walk off a fucking cliff. But what just occurred to me is that if you would take a second and LOOK at the pretty flower in your hand instead of just being a prat and knowing it’s there, you might notice the cliff. Head towards the flower. It knows what it’s talking about.

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Cancer (Queen of Pentacles): Goats are notorious for eating whatever they feel like. Strong stomach or lack of self-control? You know what I’m talking about. Meanwhile, you’re so fixated on this one precious thing you have, there are some who might suggest it’s starting to take its toll. I mean, things aren’t exactly flourishing and laying themselves out at your feet. Yes there are still signs of life, but while you were busy with the shiny, what have you been neglecting?

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Leo (Seven of Cups): Oh the choices! Treasure, accolades, youth, safety, mystery, snakes, demons! … Oh, might wanna stay away from those last two. Thing is, that’s totally where your hand is pointed at the moment. There’s so much good to be had, are you really going to pick the bum cups here? I mean, I’m sure you know what you’re doing; you DID make it all the way to the final rose ceremony. Just… take a second to see if you’re reaching out to push those bad things away, or if you’re really bringing them closer.

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Virgo (Four of Cups): Like the Geminis, you too should really not be surprised by this card. Nor should it need too much divining. You’re being a stubborn bastard about three cups that MIGHT be worth it, if you would pick one, or stand up and walk to them, which you cant. Meanwhile a fucking present is being cosmically dropped in your lap. And you KNOW it’s gonna be good, because the universe even had the presence of mind to place it somewhere that won’t require you exerting too much effort to get to it. So get on that shit! Go on, MOVE!

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Libra (Two of Swords): This card kinda reminds me of our traditionally blindfolded justice. But in reality, you have enough scales in your life already. So this card should appeal to you. Why, you ask? Well for one, it’s almost perfectly balanced. Symmetry appeals to your life of constant readjustments. Think of yourself like a ninja this week. You are still, but full of energy, well-armed and ready to go. Enjoy the suspense.

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Scorpio (Six of Cups): Hey remember when we had those cups with the pretty flowers? Yeah, that was fun. Spring is coming, which mean more of the same pretty flowers. But the reality is that we can’t bask in the memories forever. So enjoy the beauty and the happiness these things brought you, and then pass them on to he next person. They have their own things to learn. No you’re not walking away from them completely, it’s just time to grow up a little. Even the flowers know that.

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Sagittarius (Strength): So I think the question here is really, are you prying the lion’s mouth open, or pressing it closed? I mean, he seems pretty submissive at the moment, but I’m relatively sure that if you make him bite his own tongue, he’s not going to be too happy. I know, I know, he’s cute and swirly-maned. I’m just SAYING.

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Capricorn (Two of Pentacles): You know, occasionally it bothers me that I don’t really know any Capricorns. It might have something to do with the fact that we’re a great astrological match, but beyond that, I mean really. Wtf? Maybe you don’t exist at all. But for not existing, you seem to be a little stuck between two interconnected things here. Actually, I’m giving a pretty standard read on this, and since I pulled an extra card, I think we’ll go a little deeper.

(Judgment) Okay, so really, what this oils down to is that it doesn’t matter which on you chose. The result is the same. It’s going to be a glorious waking of the dead… or maybe you don’t like the dead. They’re dead for a reason. Which is why you can’t decided what to do. Well I certainly can’t decide for you. And neither can anyone else really. Maybe that’s why no one knows you exist right now. How about if you just drop whatever it is that’s bemusing you and come back to the world. Maybe you’d get a party. Who knows? It’s worth a shot.

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Aquarius (Four of Swords- Inverted): Thinking, breathing, sleeping, mediating. What are “Things You’re Not Doing Enough Of”? Stained glass distraction for a thousand… Well, there’s a lot of noise going on outside. Flashy lights, pretty songs, screaming sirens… or harpies. But it’s time to say enough is enough! Take a long holiday and lay flat on your back so you can get back on your feet. It’s time to take care of yourself Aquarius. The rest of the world will cope.

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Pisces (Justice): This week, in an apparent identity crisis, Pisces has decided to try to be a Libra. And it’s kinda like you’re doing it right. You have the pretty sword, the scales are perfectly balanced, and you even found a spiffy crown and new robe. But let’s be honest, this really isn’t your nature and it shows. You like things to be a little more fluid, and not just in a scale weighting up and down. Shrug off the officious cloths and come back to the ocean. Sure it can be a little brutal, but it’s you’re home. You looked a little too stiff up there on the stone chair of justice anyway.

I’ve been awake for a while now… (3-28-4/3)

Ponies in the sun… the race is just beginning. My father bet the family fortune on a sleek brown horse… but really you’re not here for William Finn. you’re here beacuse somethign in your brain made you click this link. Or you’ve realized that my sprinkles are like the crack you buy from that homeless lady on the corner. Possibly made up, but damn addicting.

Anyhow, the cards are back from their vacay, and we’re off to the races to see what the odds for this weeks cosmic track meet are booking in at. Grab you ticket stubs and away we go!

Aries (The Empress)

Right now it’s all about you and the lady love. Wether that means getting it on or pampering yourself, it really can’t be anything but good. It is, after all, the Ariean time to shine. You’ve got your best blouse, and awesome crown, and an abundance of female energy surroundign you. And to top it all off, the seeds you’ve sown are beginning to come to fruition. All your base are belong to us! Which is to say, you’re ruling! Enjoy your moments in the lap of luxury!

Taurus (Ace of Wands)

Dear Taurus,

It is your universe given right to be the enforcer of whatever it is you’ve decided you want. Also, the sex will be great.

Love,

The Ace of Wands

So yes the cosmos gave you a big stick. Now if you were an Aries, I’d expect you to wallop someone with it, but I think your have better sense than that. Walking softly and all that. Also, it occurred to me, that wands are all about sex. So this could be the payoff for putting up with those clouds that have been hovering around for FAR too long. You’re about to have a seemingly perfect thing dropped into your lap. And you deserve it. It may seem to come out of nowhere, but although it’s not where or when you thought it was going to happen, the scene is ripe to take advantage of it.

Gemini (Page of Wands)

If I know you at all Gem, and I tend to think I do (at least a little), this card really came as no surprise to you. Maybe you even laughed. All dressed up and no place to go? JESUS! You didn’t need a freaking tarot card to tell you that. But for the first time, it occurred to me why you’re standing still. You’re actually entranced by the few things growing in the barren wasteland. Well, I’m here to tell yo that officially it’s not worth it. get off your ass and MOVE! There’s nothing to see here folks, keep moving. You can take the staff. The few ties you have to this place have nothing to do with the place themselves. You could be doing it better.

Cancer (King of Wands, Inverted)

Right, so on the one hand, this is really good. You’re all over the sexual map in the best possible way, because you’re the king. And it’s good to be the king. You have the strength and the regenerative qualites will allow you to make the most of your situation… at least you would if this were right side up. As it is though, it’s more like you WISH you had those things. There is the potential to parlay whatever is happening in your life now into something stable and fruitful. You’re just not there yet. Things are a little helter-skelter. Fire’s burning a little too hot, and it coudl singe the edges of an otherwise good and vaulable thing. Maybe it’s time to bring things back in line. Respect mah authoritah!

Leo (The Hierophant)

What can I say? Clearly you’ve done something right! You are in control, and people are bowing to your infinite wisdom. Or at least getting out of your way. Your agenda is THE agenda, so take advantage of it. Just… don’t get too carried away in the pomp and circustance. Posing for publicity pictures is fun, but more importantly, you have the keys to the city at your feet. And you’re gonna need them. So you might wanna take a minute to look around and take stock of your resources. Don’t worry. Your public’s not going anywhere.

Virgo (Five of Swords)

Oh you think you’re SO clever, gathering all those swords. Good job. People threw down their arms and walked away. But now maybe I think that smile’s not so much that as that you’re happy with the way things are going. You’ve gt some distance on a situation that was driving you nuts, and now you’re okay with it. So you’ve lost a few people along the way… it happens. But the clouds rolling in might bring rain and change, and quite honestly, you’re more than a little excited for that. You’ll fight if you have to, but really, you’re just ready for a change of pace.

Libra (The Devil)

Dear God Libs! What did you DO!?!?!? Whatever it is you’re all obsessing over, you seriously need to let it go. It’s clouding up your aura and holding your potential prisoner. So much good could be comign your way. you have the opportunity to grow things to fruition. But you’re going to have to cut some ties first. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the things you feel are holding you down.

Scorpio (Nine of Cups, Inverted)

Wow… this inversion might actually work in your favor. See, you’ve clearly gt a lot of nice things store up, but the inversion means you’re not quite as smug and self satisfied as the jerk on this card. I’d keep it that way. There’s this danger of being THAT girl/guy that who gets all crazy and OCD about their shit becaus they think they finally got it organized. I mean, don’t NOT do some spring cleaning… just you know, continue to be a decent excuse for a human being in the meantime.

Saggitarius (Judgement)

Blow, Gabriel, blow! Aaaaaaand preach it! Glory halleluiah, things are going your way. The cosmos have passed their decree, and it seems you have the universal go-ahead for your latest project. Past present and future generations are there to bask in your success and offer their support. Not that all of it will be easy mind you. Those snowy mountains in the distance are a formidable challenge. But you can take them. Especially with the kind of supprt you’re getting right now.

 

Capricorn (Five of Cups)

Oh man, I feel for you Caps, I really do. I know you had a lot invested in that, and it TOTALLY just bombed. So I’ma let you take a minute to mourn the loss. And you should. But when that moment is over, remember that you haven’t lost it all. And that if you DO need more of a break, you can always take your cups and go home. I know that river seems too wide to cross, but there’s a bridge just up the way, and really, a respite might not be such a bad thing right now.

 

Aquarius (Knight of Pentacles)

 “There is work to be done, to be done. Theres a war to be won, to be won. Come you son of a son of a gun! Take your stand!” And do the job you were given. You have something really important right now. Its been entrusted to you. And, although you wouldn’t know it from the way you’re sitting there staring at it, it actually benefits people other than you. So stop staring dumbly at the shiney and put those spurs to good use. you’re not going to lose it. You just need to get a move on. There’s a lot to be done, and no one’s going to do it for you. GO!

Pisces (Three of Pentacles)

I mean, really? What can I say? Good job Pisce! Way to follow through. You made a plan and you executed it flawlessly. Note the cup in your right hand. That means you achieved something. And on top of it all, other people noticed. And were impressed. Even that realy nitpicky person that you sometimes want to punch in the face b/c they are making an ass out of themselves. But the moral of the story is, you’ve created something vaulable, masterful, and lasting. So sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labour. Ya did good! Just… don’t fall off that bench admiring your own handywork.